PROBLEM #9 - PUBLIC PEAKING

Firstly, let us say sorry to our avid readers who have been patiently waiting for our next post! Sorry readers, but patience is a virtue and all good things come to those who wait!!

So, continuing on with the recurring theme of being completely FUCKED UP...
Have you ever noticed those dweebs who stand timidly in front of their audience during a speech? Hands trembling, knees knocking, beads of sweat pouring down their face faster than the Tawoomba Floods?

Ordinarily we would make fun of these people, but in the past (back in our glory days) we have been accused of being one of them because we shared the same symptoms!!
It's not because we gave a fuck about the speech, it's because we'd just come off the back end of a bender...
Sharing common symptoms with those nerds such as: hands shaking, palms sweating, eyes twitching, chapped lips.. etc etc

While the nerds wore thick framed glasses, we wore thick dialated pupils - perhaps the only noticable distinction between the two.
After delivering a prepared speech (and by 'prepared' we mean 'wrote it at kickons') at uni on the Monday after a festival, people were wondering why we were so nervous, when the content of our speech was nothing short of pristine!?

Hence, the dilemma.. Admit to being a nerd like them? Or confess the dark reality - only double the fuck dropped a couple of hours ago?

So, if you're having nerve problems we feel bad for you son, we got 99 Problems but public speaking ain't one!!!!

FYI - got a distinction for that speech, but the real winning was on the weekend.

PROBLEM #8 - FASHIONABLY LATE

Okay, so our beloved friend Ben Surace is pisssssssssing off to France for a year, and he had a little farewell get together at his humble abode on Saturday afternoon. We decided, as the invite stated, to arrive at 3:30pm, unfortunately traffic got the better of us and we did not arrive until approximately 3:31pm................... perfect timing.... or so we thought.

We knock on the front door eager as beavers to be welcomed in by the lovely Surace family. Little did we know, that the host himself was M.I.A aka getting last minute prawns...
By the time the man of the hour himself arrived, he came home to find the two of us in his lovely pool, besties with Nana Surace, getting served salmon balls by the pool, and drinking cruisers in the pool .........redefined the term "make yourself at home"

Speaking of making yourself at home, Cacks was housesitting this weekend for a lovely family in order to keep the cat alive and healthy. However, on Saturday night after the farewell (and many drinks) the house was declared "The Open House of Lane Cove"
By Sunday morning, the house represented a brothel rather than a family abode. and in a strange twist of events the cat ended up having to take care of us..................
Lets just say the cleanup wasnt exactly a walk in the park.

- the beds were covered in fake tan (thanks to max, holly, jen and cacks) ...and who knows what else (thanks to ben powell)
- bottle caps left right and center
- cheese smeared all over the benches
- family computer filled up with porn
- practically all the cutlery covered in cheese, salsa, lettuce and weed
- childs trampoline turned into a junkie den

So, in conclusion. Need a housesitter? call Cacks on 1300 lordofthecats

PROBLEM #7 - THIS GUY

PROBLEM #6 - AVATAR BLUE BALLS

So, on new years day we were all revved up and excited for a Day in the Field, ready to get drunk, get crunk etc etc... when........ a "good friend" calls us up with some GREAT NEWS! - unmarked, unnamed big blue balls (pharmaceuticals) that were a bittttt pricey but were "guaranteed to blow our minds"..... little did we know she actually meant they would put A HOLE IN OUR BRAINS.

Already sweating like we standing under Vesuvius, we thought we would kick start the day with a few drinks and a few pharmaceuticals which we have come to call - Avatar (they were blue... and big... and fucked up)

Symptoms of the Avatar -
1) permanent feeling of bugs crawling all over our noses, resulting in constant scratching and looking/feeling like an ice addict
2) uncontrollable crying when we got home (at 10:30 because jen got 3D motion sickness... shouldnt have taken off those glasses...)
3) green vomit that lingers in the throat for a good 5 hours before finally rising up the throat passage and finally exploding (......kind of like Ben Powell)
4) dialated pupils that are bigger than avatars themselves

Despite the fact that these "pingaz" were more expensive than your average Ben Powell, they did NOT as promised do anything beneficial. They only made us feel like shit and like we had wasted time and effort (similar to Ben Powell)

So, for all you youngens out there.. steer clear from blue, unmarked, oversized pills. They'll getcha ...............and always remember, stay away from a man who calls himself

"Ben Matthew Jaćob Powell"

PROBLEM #5 - POSSIBLY YOU!!!

Since WHEN did 'shit sorry I have a boyfriend' actually mean 'I love it when you rub your sweaty package all over mah body'

Cacks and Jen are totally confused as to when and WHY this is happening... galz all over the nation are just trying to protect their pathetic relationships and their whispering eyes and desperate guys are making it ALL THE MORE DIFFICULT for them to keep their whispering eyes tight like a tiger. NB: if u do not know what whispering eye is, u number one need to get a life, number two WATCH ROLE MODELS.

This goes in the reverse as well... when boys say they have a girlfriend girls tend to think oh ok i should probs back off.. not WELL WHEN IS SHE GOING AWAY SO WE CAN GET IT ON. informing us that your girlfriend is currently not present does not make girls want to take their clothes off and engage in the act of moving back and forth in a horizontal motion with their private parts touching...........................................................................unless theyre a slut (jen)

the last post we published was for galz only... well this ones for all u fellaz out there. if u have a girlfriend... BACK. THE. FUCK. UP. if gals have a boyfriend. SAME. THING......................

FUCK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

If you're havin girl problems I feel bad for u son, u got 99 problems BUT YOU'LL HAVE PLENTY MORE IF U HIT ON A GIRL WITH A BOYFRIEND

PROBLEM #4 - BLISTER CITY

Do you ever feel like giving your feet a break? Ever think to yourself, I'm not wearin heelz 2nite gal ima wear flatz 2 give mah feet a REST! Well, one lovely night where we started off at Bourban, went to the Club, World Bar, Candys, Moulin, Spice, kick ons at Death Why we thought to ourselves THAT EXACT THOUGHT. Jen was wearing lovely Wittner gladiator shoes and Cacks was wearing lovely leather converse. Now without tooting our own horn... we looked HAWT!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Through Jen's munted haze she could not feel the death of the rubber all up in her toes shit and all up in her heels grill. Cacks could drunkenly not feel her feet... let alone the friction that was occuring in her instep.

From shakin our thangs on the df and walking from club to club... and Cacks stopping people that had added her on facebook recently making it clear to everyone in the cross that THEY HAD INFACT ADDED HER ON FACEBOOK we developed mighty liquid bubbly blisters in and around our feet.

So now we've decided that in order to stop these beasts from occurring u need 2 things:

*THICK WOLLEN SOCKS

*A first aid kit fully equipped with bandaids and dettol for those pus filled buggerz

I hope you have found this information helpful... sorry for all our male fans u probably didn't find this interesting... but for you we will say DON'T WEAR THOSE FUCKING CROCODILE SKIN SHOES THEY ARE ABSOLUTLY HEINOUS!!!!!!!!!!!!!

PROBLEM #3 - NO RIDES LEFT

So today after waking up at 7.30 am (keep following our blog for the reason why we were awake at this ungodly hour) we decided to take an innocent trip to the city. ........... ... UNTIL

Jen: OMG cacks u can TOTALLY use mah travel 10

Cacks: AWH thanks..... chuck it here

(put it in the machine twice for both of us)

Random fug man sitting on the disabled seat like a creep: UM... excuse me galz. Where are you off to?

Us: um... the city.....

Suddenly, out of nowhere, he WHIPS out a state transit medallion.... the sweat began to appear on our foreheads as we suddenly realised, this guy wasnt fucking round and was no ordinary civillian. He was ... a STATE. TRANSIT. OFFICER. ..... HOLY SHIT!!!!!!!!

The man then informed us that we only had a ticket that was valid for 2 sections... not the whole 1 BILLION SECTIONS we needed for our 5 minute bus trip. He then proceeded to RIP the ticket out of Cacks's hands (with the whole bus looking) and sat there and put in the ticket....... SIXXXXXXXX MOREEEEEEEEEE TIMESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS. We stood there in utter shock as we heard the noise of the bus ticket go in and out... in and out... in... and out... x 1000.

He eventually handed it back to us when we looked at the bottom and saw...........NO. RIDES. LEFT. There you go! He said and smiled as he handed back our ticket with it's soul having been ripped out. We made fun of him the whole bus trip there.. and back... but underneath our brave smiling faces we were devastated. The whole bus trip cost us about 20 dollars... we SHOULDVE JUST GOT A CAB.

So to all you bus goers out there... BEWARE of a man sitting at the front... looking shady. He ain't no ordinary bus rider... hes the FUCKING AUTHORITY!

But thanks to this experience, we learnt if you havin bus problems i feel bad for u son, i got 99 probs but a travel 10 aint one